Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
when nothing goes right… go left
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.