Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Perfect
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Put this video in the Louvre
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.