just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
It has been 3 years since Monday.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy