just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Danger is very dangerous
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.