just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.