Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Oops 🤭
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
i made a craigslist ad !
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
