Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
he’s doing your taxes
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake