Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.