Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*