Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
oppen heimer style lol
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
In banana years, I am bread.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.