Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again