Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine