Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Cardio Made Easy
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.