Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
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If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I basically called this earlier today
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.