Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?