Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Customize Your Wedding.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.