@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

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@JakeSocial

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

@DumbConfessions

Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.

@GoodZiIIa

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

@TweetPotato314

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

@EndhooS

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

@malt_skull

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

@tweetsauce

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

@sarcasticmommy4

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”