Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
A dad and his duck
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal