@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

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@jbmsoccerdad

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

@ddsmidt

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

@sammyrhodes

1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

@neonorchid1

I wish “it’s the thought that counts” worked for housework.

@JenAshleyWright

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

@FuckabillyRex

Everybody’s playing an angle and I’m really bad at trigonometry.

@rainerfm

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

@TheBoydP

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool