Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi