They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”