Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me