Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.