Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.