Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
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Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
iPhone X
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.