Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
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Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.