Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”![]()
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”![]()
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.