Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?