Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

Classic German Shepherd 😂

My safe word is Worcestershire

Thoughts

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

iPhone X

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.