Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

I can’t deal with men any longer

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?