Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.