Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it