Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.