Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?