Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Here’s a meme
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”