Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Look at this
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
want me to check your oil?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER