Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous