Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

i dont have time for this

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.