Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.