Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

Can. I. Help. You.

Art by Pastelkatto

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.