Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Extremely relatable.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.