Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.