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M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
this is me
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Just why bro?!
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible