Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy