Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again