Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’