Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
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A Short Story.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.