Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.