Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”