Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Day 2 of my diet

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho