Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts