Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Who’s your best friend?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
If you are reading this then you are reading this
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.