Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They did not miss in the small print

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.