Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You Might Also Like
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Google assistant rules
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.