Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Hit me in the face with a bird

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE