Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
live, laugh, laundry.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
True
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.