Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”