Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Perfect.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.