Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.