Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*