Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Simple enough.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek