Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Did…did a minotaur write this
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”