Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*looks at you in batman voice*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.