Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
😏😏😏
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Meow
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My blood type is b hungry.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!