Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.