Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If only.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?