Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Peter Parker Peter Driver

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R