Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

for all #parents out there

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.