Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles