me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja