Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

🪶

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

Does beer think about me too?

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.