Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
For the ones in the back.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
<—- homeless romantic
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?