Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches