Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.