Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
$3 #books
