Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
when you are just born a rebel
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.