Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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Fries, not lies.
Look, a pure bread cat!
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Spring cleaning checklist…
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!