I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]
Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?
Her: I have a boyfriend
*my daughter and I high five*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*