Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Well, this is awkward
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.