Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

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I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.


This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.


I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.


[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]

Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: lmao

*my daughter and I high five*


Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.


“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!


It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils


[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*