Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front


I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.


Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.


Told this girl I didn’t have a car, she saved me in her phone as “Legs” 🥲


King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.


What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?


I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question


Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.


I get my first covid shot on Wednesday. I really hope Bill Gates can read my thoughts after because I’m still mad about Windows Vista.