Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Wait a minute…
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.